Shift in emotions

I can't explain it. I feel weak. Any feelings of being neglected brings me down to a new low.
It sucks.
It really does.

Then again I LOVE the Love.

I just spent two days swamped on work. I need some rest.

pessimistic vs optimistic

My mind is drawn between a line of the good and the bad. Every moment I seem to have a different feeling about this situation. On the bad side I feel betrayed, screwed over, upset, depressed, crazy over everything. On the contrary I love the girl and I want to make a future with her.

I hope it all works out.
I hope.

My Mentality

My mentality is fragile. I crave for attention and affection just to show that I am wanted. I feel so vulnerable and I fucking hate it.

No matter if I sleep or if I am awake I am always surrounded by my nightmares

Changes

Over the last week a lot has happened in my life. I can finally say I am really excited about my job. I now work in Holyoke, Massachusetts as a full time booking agent. I finally feel that sense of accomplishment I have been looking for. I am ready to really step it up and join the big leagues.

The one downer in my life is the all of a sudden questioning of my as of lately extremely happy relationship. Is it bad that I am getting utterly fed up with this all? I am madly in love with this girl that I clearly see a future with but does that mean I should be thrown through hell to achieve what I want? The realization that everyone grows up and goes to college and works seems to be the hot topic that she can't handle. Well fuck my life right? I'm not going to quit my true shot at really making my career. As is I only work 4 days a week and leave work earlier then I want to to see her I'm not sure what else I can do.

I hope everything works out. I want things to get a lot better so we can take this relationship to the next level. I'm fearing that it might take awhile before we reach that point though.

I still hate everyone. The way people talk, act, follow, think. It disgusts me. I have no remorse if most people in my surroundings were to die. I don't encourage fighting but some people truely deserve to be beat to a pulp.
Seriously.

Fuck

I'm Glad

I'm glad you think you have not done anything to hurt to me. I'm glad you think that.

Nights like these I sit in my driveway in my car for an extra minute, I take an extra 30 seconds to walk to the door. When something is even close to brought up indicating the past I hate myself more then ever for things I haven't even done.

Good Day

I had a moderately good day today. With huge surprise there was no fighting or disputing with Nikki. It's sad to say that I don't remember how days like today are anymore. Hopefully things will look up from here.

It's nice to see a lot of people in my work surroundings have faith in me and believe in me. I work hard for what I do and it really shows to be honest. I am not perfect but I am certainly on a road of progression that can take me far places.

Nightmares

I hate times where I remember back when I was left out to dry and what happened in those times. They haunt me everyday of my life.

Breaking Point

We all have them no matter what, if it's a bad job or a build up of endless anxiety we all have them. I'm reaching a certain breaking point in my current relationship. My day is spent hoping for a day with arguments at a minimum. Hoping that I did not find myself doing something wrong. I love the girl to death. I can firmly say that I am in love with the girl. Sometimes I have those overwhelming feeling as if I want to live the rest of my life with her. Things don't always go straight though when I'm being insulted, degraded and argued with because of a bad swing she is getting.

I feel as if a relationship is supposed to be mutual sharing of feelings and thoughts to help each other and work through everything. Someone to be my partner and not my enemy.

How am I supposed to react to being told that she is leaving? How? It sucks that mentally I don't know if I could handle it. I've been left by her three times now and every time I try to get myself settled into this relationship I am worried of what the penalty will be for doing it.

Goodbye

With open doors comes the closing of others. When your girlfriend is accepted to a college away from you the door being closed is for myself. I feel it, I dread it. I am stressed by the thought.

I guess maybe I should just enjoy the months I have left.

This feeling

I hate it. The feeling of being empty, alone, vulnerable. It's not because Nikki is gone it's just my current mind set. Sitting around people that I hate for things they haven't done to me. I dislike them so strongly but I have no valid case against them.

I hate people so strongly that it brings down my mood.
This ruins me.

Change

With change I figured it was time for a fresh start on my blog. The constant world around myself are changing and so am I.

Professionally since 2008 what turned into a side job has turned into a full blown developing career. The increase in respect and trust regarding me is incredible. My bands trust me and are extremely pleased with the work I do and I am starting to make more financially. Interests for me to work elsewhere has swamped my mind with opportunity to move elsewhere to further my job.

My relationship status has changed but I am back to a steady relationship with Nicole Katherine Anne Van Voorhis. It's great to see that after everything we have still worked through everything for this.

One of my best friends left for the Army today. As much as everyone around me is in sorrow I am not. He is doing something with his life and making change to further himself and I am proud of him.

The world we live in is all about change and progression. Without drive and aspiration there is no point to wake up in the morning. I've attempted to change my eating habits to better myself and I attend the gym regularly to better my shape.

I'm still shallow, Judgmental, and are bleak on giving people I don't know chances in my life but I am okay with that one.

Two years from now I will look back at this post and think of how different I am now compared to what may come of me in two years.