In South Carolina

Enjoying life but thinking hard about stuff.
This is rough.

South Carolina

I'm stoked to go to South Carolina this week. It's going to be awesome to go on vacation and basically get paid to do it. So stoked to spend the week with friends on the beach. Stoked on finally getting paid good money. The most money I've ever made in one time span. Stoked that I have a date when I get back with a pretty girl. Stoked that when she gets out of work in a few hours she's picking me up.

STOKED ON LIFE

SLUTTY!

SLUTTY SLUTTY SLUTTY! CAN'T WAIT TO RID MY LIFE FROM YOU FOREVER! FUCK MY LIFE!

I wish

You knew went through my head.
Flustered at best.

Tonight

I spent the whole night driving home thinking.
Thinking alone is the worst.

Despite recent belief I am not romantically involved with anyone. When I say romantically is I share no feelings of affection with anyone else if it's mental or physical.

Am I really that kind of person you would think would jump at that?
Damn.

And Come What May

and come what may i know that i'll survive
but life puts your will to the test
of love and death and baited breath
i lost again
i put the pen to the paper
so read the words i wrote as favors
i wrote this song to let you know my friend
to serve a constant reminder
and come what may, i'll still be here
needing you, and i know you need this too
this heart, this heart of mine has seen so many things
and i know that they were untrue, but i've never doubted you
so please, please don't take for granted
what we have achieved
know that you are my everything
there is no me without a you
and come what may, i'll still be here
love every moment
cherish every second i have with you
you'll never walk alone
i'll never leave your side
this love will persevere long after our bodies have died
let me wash away every tear you've ever cried
you'll never walk alone
i'll never leave your side
they can't take it away
(love) the only thing that makes this life worth living
we'll always carry each other
we'll carry on

Changes

Need to be made in my life. I'm dwelling on things that do not care about me anymore.
I'm going to continue to work out and build myself up.
Strength my work ethic.
Continue hating more then anyone should.

Fuck

I try to distance myself from you. I do, I try so hard to distance myself from you but no matter how far away I am I still get over you.

I can't escape this feeling.
and it sucks

I wish

Someone understood me. The way I think, I feel. I have so much on my mind so much to say everything. Spending a night at a bar with friends is enjoyable but I don't think the same way they do. I don't strive for attention or to attract an intoxicated female to make bad decisions with me. I am amused by things like this but that's once I have gone beyond my levels of disgust per say. I am a well respected person among friends. I won't be modest about that, I just wish people that try to work their way into this certain group of friends didn't try so hard to impress. I have no respect for someone who goes out of their way to start a fight to impress others and prove something. I do not give credits or approval to a person like that.

It's nice to know that friends don't break ties with me over another girl. It's good to know at least.

I am a romantic person. I strive for passion and love. I want to go on dates at a zoo, a picnic on the river, a fancy restaurant. I wish for a lot of things, I wish you would look back.

I do not exist

I want too

Smash everything.

Attempt

Trying to stay optimistic
Let's try this out.

Everyday

I text you over and over trying to reach you.
Trying to talk to you.

I am losing my mind over this.
I don't deserve this.

:(

Reading stuff of the past from you breaks my heart.
Why does this happen?
Why?
I didn't do anything wrong, or wrong enough to deserve being replaced.

Shame

Now that all the guys are into you
There is no room left for me.

Another day

I continue to hurt myself
over and over and over.

I won't sleep tonight, hoping you didn't do anything.

Dead Last

Nice guys finish dead fucking last.
Being fucking fucking nice will get you nowhere fast.
You move too slow your gonna get passed.
I've played the nice guy one too many times.
No more mr. nice guy,
It's such a fucking waste of time.
Why did i waste my time? dead fucking last.
I'm a grown ass man not a punk ass kid,
So get the fuck out of my face.
Fake smiles for miles,
I've got no time to play.
Get the fuck out of my way,
This could be my last day.
I've had enough, my mind ready to bust,
Who can i trust? ashes to ash,
Dust to dust.
My mind decays from my sinful ways.
It fades away in a smoke filled haze.
I've had enough my mind is ready to bust.
Who can i trust? ashes to ash,
Dust to dust. dust to dust. dead fucking last.

Lonewolves

From a victim to a friend
Don't ever let them in keep
Your scars on your sleeve and your heart in your hands
All the whores with their wars
Their gaping mouths want more
All of them choke on regret
We sit in silence
Dead or dedicated
Alive or medicated
A coward queen or harlot
Heart, it's up to you
This world owes you nothing
This world owes me nothing
This world owes us nothing but a hard road to walk
These mountains that we climb is everything they've lost
This world owes us nothing but a hard road to walk
These mountains that we move are everywhere we look
It's all up to me and you

why

why

Sometimes

I just wish I can forget your name
maybe this wouldn't hurt as bad.
It's not like it matters though.
At least to you

Bottom line

You've moved on.

The worst kind of people

Are people who cannot fight for themselves. People who post on Facebook craving attention about a dispute and trying to attract as many people to come out to the fight as possible. It's sickening on how much of bitches people are.


I hope people like you get stabbed.

Betrayer

Without mercy, it strikes.
Disbelief, what's become of my life.
Crashing down run me through.
I can't believe I believed in you.
Betrayer, look me in the eye.
Why am I in so much pain this time.
Without warning, trust kills.
I feel nothing and I blame you.
No remorse, no shame.
God I hate what's become of me.
Betrayer, look me in the eye.
Why am I in so much pain this time.
Betrayer, look me in the eye.
Why am I in so much pain this time.
I've been dealt a thousand lies.
So why am I in so much pain this time.
Why am I in so much pain this time.
Shut.
You.
Out.
Eye for an Eye.
Shut.
You.
Out.
Eye for an eye.
Betrayer

Overcome

Everything I loved left me
Everything I cared for died or changed
I've fallen, I failed
And I lost everything I fought to gain
Over - Overcome
Everytime you spit in my face
Over - Overcome
Add more weight! I won't break
Over - Overcome
Won't allow myself to be beat
Overcome, Overcome, rise back up

Always trouble surrounding me
But I've learned from past mistakes
I've seen true hate, felt real pain
Still there's nothing that can stop me

Break me down
I will rise back up

I'll overcome

Best friends become strangers
True love it turns to hatred
Nothing you can do to me
Still something deep inside
Tells me to be free

Proud

Sometimes I am just proud of who I am. I see all my friends live their lives by sexually driven frenzies trying to hook up with random girls who are drunk and sloppy. I am proud of who I am and what I believe and I won't break that for anything.

Well

Your not being a terrible person.
What should I expect.
You've always been a disappointment to me and every time I look for something else you let me down.

If you say good bye then good bye.

Wish

Please just give me
a Chan Marshall eulogy
If I was ever anything at all
it's all breaking news to me
Breaking down in a rage
just to apologize
It's really so strange
watching all these strangers sigh
If feels like I'm living
through my last days every day
On your strongest of days
you couldn't make me feel any less insane
Wish the ongoing theme about me
wasn't "he's just crazy"
Wish I knew safety
Wish nothing phased me
Wish I felt more than just feelings of unrest
Wish the darkness didn't cloud me
Wish I wasn't an emotional wreck

Let Me Sink

I always fuck up the best things.
Empty pockets, no future for me.
Don't ask if I'm okay.
Just live your life and let me sink.
Don't ask if I'm okay.
Just live your life and let me sink.
Can't keep up this pace.
Trapped with ill fate.
Has my life been one huge mistake.
Cycle turns.
No peace of mind.
My world disintegrates.
Everything that I ever held close.
Kicked out from under me.
Nothing has shown me promise, and nothings what it seems.
I walk alone.
The city's breathing, something tells me this is right for me.
Trapped in ill fate.
Has my life been one huge mistake.
Try and draw me off my path.
Nothing falls into place.
So hard to earn, but easy to break.
I won't allow myself to be beat.
Hard to even get by.
Takes everything I fucking have just to stay alive.
Just to stay alive.
Trapped in ill fate.
Has my life been one huge mistake.
Don't ask me if I'm okay.
Just live your life and let me sink.
I always fuck up the best things.
We live and we learn.
We grow and we change.
Empty pockets, no future for me.
I won't allow myself to be beat.

$$$$

Financially I have become so stressed. I'm owed about $1000.00+ and at the moment have barely any. I can only afford to go into work a few days a week. I have an unpaid cell phone bill to take care of. I have two speeding tickets to take care of. I won't be seeing a large pay until the end of June.

I guess I'll have to keep pushing through...

Is there something wrong with me?

I don't think so.
Don't make me feel like there is.
PEACE

It's been awhile

Since I've been to a party as wild as last night.
Girls making out with each other, Dudes wrestling in underwear. Rap battles. Oh and Brad and Adam almost double teaming a girl? Then Brad having sex with her and not knowing her name. Coming close to smashing a kid for making fun of Mike. Straightedge revenging the party by throwing the beer everywhere and getting into another fight.

Well fuck Humanity.

And at the end of the day all I can say is....

I tried

Mutual Friends

Tell me your a fuck up.
I'm going to sleep

Everyday

I wait for your texts
Waiting for something to smile at

At the end of the day

I'm running out of options.
I tried.

At this point

It's all like drawing blood from a stone.
Hope your happy.

Work

Lot's of work.
Most productive weekend of my life.
Fuck yeah

to describe my situation:

My girl, my girl, tell me why you look so sad...
Has the sun finally set on us?
Have you come to long for another's hand?
There's a feeling inside me that somethings leaving.
Like someone stealing salt from sea.
Left me sinking and left me thinking
how to keep you caged with me

Because I need you like air to breathe
Just to hold you.
o' I hold you.
o' how I hold you.
I hold you down.

Down with my insecurities
down with my hypocrisy
down with my pathetic pleas
down instead of setting you free
to find your happiness with or without me.

So untie your feat, reattach your wings
so you don't have to open your throat to sing.

Because if it's you I love, then from you...

I'd walk away.

And your face:
on every leaf
of every branch
of every tree.

Love

Is just a word
That I believed was something more then it is.
It's just a word used to comfort me and believe that there is something more
Now that you have everything in your life.
You don't need me anymore.

I wish

You would be closer to me.
To at least try.
So I don't feel so alone :(

Real Talk

This world is plagued
Fuck it all
XXX

well yeah

As of somethings rise others seem to fall. I hope it doesn't end but this is not getting any better......

You Fail Me

I'm disappointed.
Everytime you told me you want to be with forever, I believed you.

Fading away

Fading away.................

Shift in emotions

I can't explain it. I feel weak. Any feelings of being neglected brings me down to a new low.
It sucks.
It really does.

Then again I LOVE the Love.

I just spent two days swamped on work. I need some rest.

pessimistic vs optimistic

My mind is drawn between a line of the good and the bad. Every moment I seem to have a different feeling about this situation. On the bad side I feel betrayed, screwed over, upset, depressed, crazy over everything. On the contrary I love the girl and I want to make a future with her.

I hope it all works out.
I hope.

My Mentality

My mentality is fragile. I crave for attention and affection just to show that I am wanted. I feel so vulnerable and I fucking hate it.

No matter if I sleep or if I am awake I am always surrounded by my nightmares

Changes

Over the last week a lot has happened in my life. I can finally say I am really excited about my job. I now work in Holyoke, Massachusetts as a full time booking agent. I finally feel that sense of accomplishment I have been looking for. I am ready to really step it up and join the big leagues.

The one downer in my life is the all of a sudden questioning of my as of lately extremely happy relationship. Is it bad that I am getting utterly fed up with this all? I am madly in love with this girl that I clearly see a future with but does that mean I should be thrown through hell to achieve what I want? The realization that everyone grows up and goes to college and works seems to be the hot topic that she can't handle. Well fuck my life right? I'm not going to quit my true shot at really making my career. As is I only work 4 days a week and leave work earlier then I want to to see her I'm not sure what else I can do.

I hope everything works out. I want things to get a lot better so we can take this relationship to the next level. I'm fearing that it might take awhile before we reach that point though.

I still hate everyone. The way people talk, act, follow, think. It disgusts me. I have no remorse if most people in my surroundings were to die. I don't encourage fighting but some people truely deserve to be beat to a pulp.
Seriously.

Fuck

I'm Glad

I'm glad you think you have not done anything to hurt to me. I'm glad you think that.

Nights like these I sit in my driveway in my car for an extra minute, I take an extra 30 seconds to walk to the door. When something is even close to brought up indicating the past I hate myself more then ever for things I haven't even done.

Good Day

I had a moderately good day today. With huge surprise there was no fighting or disputing with Nikki. It's sad to say that I don't remember how days like today are anymore. Hopefully things will look up from here.

It's nice to see a lot of people in my work surroundings have faith in me and believe in me. I work hard for what I do and it really shows to be honest. I am not perfect but I am certainly on a road of progression that can take me far places.

Nightmares

I hate times where I remember back when I was left out to dry and what happened in those times. They haunt me everyday of my life.

Breaking Point

We all have them no matter what, if it's a bad job or a build up of endless anxiety we all have them. I'm reaching a certain breaking point in my current relationship. My day is spent hoping for a day with arguments at a minimum. Hoping that I did not find myself doing something wrong. I love the girl to death. I can firmly say that I am in love with the girl. Sometimes I have those overwhelming feeling as if I want to live the rest of my life with her. Things don't always go straight though when I'm being insulted, degraded and argued with because of a bad swing she is getting.

I feel as if a relationship is supposed to be mutual sharing of feelings and thoughts to help each other and work through everything. Someone to be my partner and not my enemy.

How am I supposed to react to being told that she is leaving? How? It sucks that mentally I don't know if I could handle it. I've been left by her three times now and every time I try to get myself settled into this relationship I am worried of what the penalty will be for doing it.

Goodbye

With open doors comes the closing of others. When your girlfriend is accepted to a college away from you the door being closed is for myself. I feel it, I dread it. I am stressed by the thought.

I guess maybe I should just enjoy the months I have left.

This feeling

I hate it. The feeling of being empty, alone, vulnerable. It's not because Nikki is gone it's just my current mind set. Sitting around people that I hate for things they haven't done to me. I dislike them so strongly but I have no valid case against them.

I hate people so strongly that it brings down my mood.
This ruins me.

Change

With change I figured it was time for a fresh start on my blog. The constant world around myself are changing and so am I.

Professionally since 2008 what turned into a side job has turned into a full blown developing career. The increase in respect and trust regarding me is incredible. My bands trust me and are extremely pleased with the work I do and I am starting to make more financially. Interests for me to work elsewhere has swamped my mind with opportunity to move elsewhere to further my job.

My relationship status has changed but I am back to a steady relationship with Nicole Katherine Anne Van Voorhis. It's great to see that after everything we have still worked through everything for this.

One of my best friends left for the Army today. As much as everyone around me is in sorrow I am not. He is doing something with his life and making change to further himself and I am proud of him.

The world we live in is all about change and progression. Without drive and aspiration there is no point to wake up in the morning. I've attempted to change my eating habits to better myself and I attend the gym regularly to better my shape.

I'm still shallow, Judgmental, and are bleak on giving people I don't know chances in my life but I am okay with that one.

Two years from now I will look back at this post and think of how different I am now compared to what may come of me in two years.